The Thoughts Left Behind
by Adalanta
Summary: *COMPLETE* Emma's guilty conscience gets the better of her after the episode "No Man Left Behind." Part Two is Jesse's reaction to the news.
1. Part One

The Thoughts Left Behind

By Adalanta

Disclaimer: All the characters in this story belong to whoever owns the rights to "Mutant X", and that's not me. 

Author's Note: I know this has been done before (several times, in fact), but after I saw the show…well, I couldn't help myself. I don't normally write in first person (I find it awkward) but this just came upon me. Please, let me know what you think by leaving a quick review or emailing me at adalanta14@yahoo.com. Thanks.

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I couldn't take it. 

The surprise. The pain. The fear. All of those emotions covered his face and filled his wide blue eyes. And as if seeing it wasn't enough…I had to feel it as well. 

I only did it to help – to save us. If I hadn't sent that mental burst…I don't know where we'd be right now. Definitely not here in Sanctuary, sitting around on the couches, watching the CNN coverage of the war in Kovakhstan. At the very least, we'd be trapped in some wrought-iron cage, surrounded by our captors.

Or we could be dead.

There was no way I could've held them back once they'd gotten within sight. It would only have taken one stubborn minded soldier to get off a couple of shots, and it all would have been over. I know Jesse would have fought as hard as he could, but he'd have exhausted himself in time, and then…

So, you see, I had to do it.

I had to send out that wave of fear, to terrify the soldiers and make them panic. I had to buy us some more time. I knew that it would affect Jesse; I couldn't avoid him. And, I have to admit that, deep in my heart, I wanted just the slightest bit of revenge for those…um, intimate thoughts from earlier that I'd picked up. Like I said, that's not the way to think about a friend and partner, no matter how flattering he was.

But I never imagined that it would affect him so badly. The residual traces of the fear I'd broadcast was still lingering in his mind when he glanced up at me from the forest floor, but that wasn't what bothered me and made me do – what I did.

What hurt the most was the overwhelming fear that he radiated, not just for what I had done…but that I had the ability to do it. 

He looked up and stared at me with the eyes of a complete stranger. It was like, for one long moment, I had ceased to be Emma, fellow teammate in Mutant X, and was instead a rogue psionic, unknown, untried – and feared purely because of my abilities. I had become a New Mutant – a danger to both Jesse and the team.

And it hurt. That all-consuming fear shocked me to my very soul. It felt like my heart was being ripped apart, causing a red hot flash of agony to course through my body. My heart cried out at the unfairness of the situation, of life itself. I felt betrayed.

And I panicked.

I know that now. I should have tried to talk him out of his fear. I should have sent waves of mental reassurances to him to help calm him. I should have…

I should have. But I didn't.

I panicked. I invaded his mind and forcefully buried the memory of what had just happened so deeply that he'll never remember what actually happened. I guess you could say I wiped the sleight clean.

I justified it to myself at the time. I was using my powers to keep Jesse going, to enable him to use his electronic skills to get the Helix back on line. He couldn't work the way he was – his mind practically paralyzed with fear. It seemed so simple…just make him forget. It seemed like the right thing to do at that time and place. But now… 

I couldn't take it then. The fear in his eyes – the fear of me. 

I can't take it now. The thought of what I did to him leaves me cringing inside. I want to make everything that happened in Kovakhstan go away. Oh, how ironic. After all, that same exact thought was what started this whole mess in the first place. 

I know I need to tell him. I need to confess what I did. I just don't know if I can. 

What can I say? How can I tell my partner – my friend – that I wiped his memory? He'll never trust me again. And who can blame him? If our places had been reversed, would he have done the same thing? Would he have used his own powers for so petty a reason? No, I don't think so. Jesse would never do that.

Well, there'll never be a good time, I guess. I might as well do it now.

"Jesse? Could I talk to you?" 


	2. Part Two

The Thoughts Left Behind

By Adalanta

Disclaimer: See part one.

Author's Note: Okay. When I originally wrote the first part of this fanfic, it was supposed to be a one shot deal. However, I received several reviews and personal emails asking me to write a second chapter showing Jesse's reaction. The style in this part is a bit different from the first because I wanted to describe what he thought, what he felt, and what kind of physical reaction he had. I hope you all like it. Please, take a second to leave a quick review to let me know what you think or send me an email at adalanta14@yahoo.com. I always love feedback!

One more thing - If you are interested in an absolutely awesome story dealing with the events of "No Man Left Behind", check out aimless' "With Great Power." You're sure to love it. 

Part Two

"Jesse? Jesse, please, say something!"

My thoughts whirling in my head, I lurch to my feet, stumbling blindly away from her bed. My body hits something solid – a wall? – and I unconsciously phase through it, ignoring my utter exhaustion from earlier, just like I ignore Emma's pleas that follow after me.

It takes me several seconds to realize that I'm now standing in the hall, and when I do, all my stunned mind can think is that it's still too close…too close to where she is, to where she said told me – 

No! I won't – I can't think about it, not right now. I – it's too much. My feet continue their unsteady flight, running away from something that, deep inside, I know I will never escape or ever hope to hide from…

My mind.

I feel like my heart's been ripped out of my chest, spit upon, and then viciously stomped on. It hurts so badly that I still can't think right. The halls and room look distorted and are nothing but a blur as I stagger past them. Finally, my exhaustion catches up with me, and I collapse limply to the ground, completely drained of energy, curling in on myself in absolute agony, unable to hide behind my shock a moment longer.

The horrible truth of what she did slices through me like heated knife, searing my insides and slashing my mind. I can't suppress the cry of anguish that rises up from the very depths of my shredded soul.

She betrayed me.

My friend, my partner, the person that I trust every single day with my very life…betrayed me.

How could she?! How could she do something like that? Who gave her the right to mess with my mind and take away my memories?!

A red-hot, burning anger flares up within me – a rage so intense that my body begins to sweat, and my heart pounds dangerously. The rage grows stronger and stronger, consuming my mind, blocking my senses one by one until the only thing left is the deafening roar of flames. 

Then a sharp pain shoots through my right hand, startling me out of my fury. Opening my eyes, I find myself in one of the few remaining undeveloped tunnels in Sanctuary, surrounded by nothing but solid rock, lying on a rough stone floor.

How did I end up here? The last thing I remember is running – no, scrambling – to get as far away from Emma as I possibly could get.

The sharp, stinging sensation comes again, and I look down to my right, curiously aloof, wondering with a clinical detachment what was wrong.

Blood.

The palm of my right hand is cut from where I had unknowingly gripped a razor sharp piece of rock in my anger, the blood dripping slowly onto the floor. The dark, burgundy red looks garish on my white skin, and I stare, mesmerized by the sight. Unbidden, my mind goes back to Kovakhstan, to the image of the bloodied American pilot, Captain Morrison, that the team had rescued only hours before.

And I can't help but wonder where he'd be right now if I hadn't been able to fix the Helix. Probably tossed in a shallow grave or thrown callously aside and left to rot. Well, I guess it really doesn't matter so much where. He'd still be dead. And so would the rest of Mutant X. 

But that didn't happen. Emma stopped it.

If what Emma said really happened – that I was too overcome with fear from her mental blast to finish repairing the Helix – well, then I guess she saved us.

God, it hurts to think that!

Is that what happened? Did I really freak out like that? How can I believe what she says after all she's done to me – betraying my friendship, my trust, and my respect?

But what if she had to? 

It doesn't matter. She should have found a different way. Something. Anything. She didn't have to invade my mind and steal a part of me – a part I'll never get back. It's terrifying to think that a person can just reach inside of you and make a memory disappear in seconds. If she did it once, what's to stop her from doing it again? What if she already has? 

What if…

What if she had no time to think of something else?

To be honest, we were cutting it pretty close when we finally got off the ground. A minute later and we might not have made it. And that's the hard part. If Emma had stopped to find another way, we would have died.

She did have to do it. 

So where does that leave us? Emma's never lied to me before this. And she didn't have to tell me what happened – it's not like I'm going to remember, right?

But she did. It's a start.

What's that old saying? "Once bitten, twice shy." Well, I guess that's me. It'll take a while for us to put this behind us. It'll be tough, but not impossible. 

After all, nothing's impossible for Mutant X.


End file.
